Understanding the exchange

There’s a phase children go through where they mimic what you say and it’s cute. When that phase lasts longer than it should, cute becomes worrisome. Echolalia – that’s what it’s called. I remember people would say “Hi, J” and she would reply “Hi, J”. That went on for many months. We’d have to gently say to her, “No, you say, Hi Mom” or "Hi" whoever she was greeting. How do you explain to a child that the exchange goes like this – I say something, you say something (sometimes it's the same; sometimes it's different)?

These are the things we take for granted. Do you remember who taught you how your role in the exchange goes? I certainly don’t remember. I just know what I’m supposed to say to you when you greet me. She just couldn’t get it. There’s no play book that they give you once you leave the hospital with the bundle of joy – you’ve got to figure it out. If things are progressing as they should, no problem. If they’re not, what do you do to help?

Thank you and you’re welcome were a doozie. (That's my technical term for who knew it could be so complicated!) All children forget to say please and thank you. That wasn’t my challenge. My challenge was helping her to understand that the response to ‘thank you’ is ‘you’re welcome’. When someone says “hello”, you respond with “hello”. So, who changed the rules so that the response to “How are you?” is “Fine thank you” and the response to “Thank you” is “You’re welcome”. See, those are the rules of language AND social interaction that don’t come in a playbook, at least I didn’t see them in mine. So, imagine trying to teach her the difference between the social responses. Some stay the same but you insert a name and some exchanges require a completely different response that’s not presented as a clue in the greeting. 

Discovery – not only is language the tool for understanding your universe and communicating with others but it also comes with rules that are tricky to explain. Here is where the visuals and the activities that she did in therapy were helpful. The speech therapists had the tools and techniques that allowed her to eventually get the ‘system’ of the language in social exchanges. It’s much improved now…sometimes there is the occasional slip but now she can self correct. The ability to self-correct is HUGE.  It lets me know that she understands when she has made a language mistake. Self-awareness and self-correction are admirable qualities, not only in children.

She recently had a birthday and received many phone calls and greetings. In the evening, she received a call from one godparent. The person on the other end of the phone said “Happy birthday” and she automatically replied “Happy birthday” but then quickly corrected and said “Oh, thank you”. I didn’t need to remind her with my usual, “What do you say?” It’s amazing the amount of work that the brain has to do in order to help us communicate effectively with each other. Things that I do automatically do not come as easily for her. In those cases, my role is to model the language and remind her of her side of the exchange.

The newest social exchange is “Have a nice day”. Granny says that to her as she leaves for school. Sometimes the appropriate response is “You too”. Another appropriate response is “Thank you”. Who made the rules that say when you use each one? Why are there different responses? For now, we’re simply working on saying “Thank you”.

Conversation – it comes so easily to some both the language and the social dimension. For others, not only is the language a challenge, but they also have to cope with the unspoken rules of the social exchange. Understanding the dynamics and nuances of the exchange is one hurdle that we will continue to work on. As she gets older, she will have to cope with new social exchanges AND the little things that people can do with language such as sarcasm. I hope that she will be equipped with the right tools to help her understand the nuances of the exchange.